Ripples from my Lockdown Breakup
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Aside from the direct at times fatal impact, COVID had in terms of health. Many also found the effect the Lockdown had on their lives hugely challenging. I was no different. Throughout I pined deeply for our day of release. A mass celebration and swift return back to life as was.
That day of jubilation never quite came. Instead, like an early morning fog lockdown dissipated and slowly faded away.
Stadiums re-opening. Family gatherings and party’s back on the calendar. I expected the levels of fulfilment in my life to increase in line with the ending of our 2-year social prison sentence. Instead, I’ll admit I’ve been somewhat unsettled. I felt at first I might be alone in feeling this way but a number of coaching clients and friends report feeling similar.
6 months later things have improved but still, a lingering sentiment of angst has remained.
Why was I feeling this way? I certainly didn’t wish for Lockdown to come back online and any threat of it doing so (new variants/monkeypox) sends a shiver down my spine. What was this angst and feeling of discomfort about?
To explore I’m going to zoom out somewhat and review the timeline.
I had a solid and comforting partnership with my pre-lockdown lifestyle, like a long-term relationship. In March 2020 we were unexpectedly forced to break up. I was thrown immediately together with a new very different lifestyle - lockdown. Lockdown proved to be abusive in nature and encouraged conflict. They would threaten to break up and then come rushing back with new terms of engagement. They hated Christmas, and I bloody love Christmas!
Finally, after a turbulent two years of this forced partnership, we broke up.
I immediately psychologically re-coupled with my old lifestyle pre-lockdown. Ready to rekindle our romance! However, when we got back together the spark wasn’t there anymore. It simply didn’t work.
I hopped straight into bed with a mysterious new lifestyle – post-lockdown.
Post-lockdown proved a somewhat different breed of cat. A hybrid of my previous two lifestyles. This lifestyle wanted to work back at the office…but not all of the time. They required a few zoom meetings thrown in with in-person catch-ups. They were more confident than in lockdown but more anxious compared to pre-lockdown.
I am generally happier with post-lockdown living. This hasn’t prevented me from harbouring mixed emotions concerning my lockdown breakup. Digging deeper, here are 3 elements I miss from my old lifestyle since our split:
Lockdown made making choices easier. - Lockdown loved to limit choice. Wiping a whole variety of offerings from my social and working life menu. I’d think less about if I was going into the office or not. Whether to get a takeaway or head out to a restaurant? Lockdown made that choice leaving me free to enjoy the limited options open to me. By reducing possibilities Lockdown made choices in many ways easier. Outside of lockdown, it might be considered that:
Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard.”
Barry Schwartz (Author - ‘Paradox of Choice - Why More Is Less )
New connections and ways to connect - With face-to-face contact so limited Lockdown forced me to explore new ways to stay connected. The men’s group organisation I am part of ‘Menspeak; began daily online check-in groups I became a regular part of. I discovered the wonder of voice notes and began regular communication with an old school friend who now lives in New Zealand
Lockdown encouraged reflection - Lockdown limitations for me created space to reflect more deeply. I’d spend more time considering business practices and developments in my personal relationships. More clarity on what I wanted to create in these areas. I took longer walks than usual and began an evening practice of back garden reflection. These spaces created certain inner tranquility. A level of awareness that hadn’t always been present before lockdown.
It has been said that it takes half the time you were with an ex to get over them. This means in theory it’s going to take me a year to get over lockdown. I’m over the worst in honesty but not quite there yet. This with respect to the elements shared above rather than the whole process.
I and my post-lockdown lifestyle look like we’re going to be staying together for the foreseeable future.
I’ve been re-organising. Setting new boundaries.
Integrating serving habits from lockdown whilst letting go of others brought back online from pre-lockdown that no longer work.
Along with realignment, I’ve begun setting goals for the medium to long term for the first time in years. However, I have a different relationship with them than I did pre-lockdown. The lockdown is a reminder that my world can de-stabilise at any point.
More so than ever I prioritise today. The here and now.
Time is a great healer so they say. A few more months and with respect to the ripples from Lockdown.
I’m confident I’ll be clear…
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