Mid-twenties crisis to working as a men’s coach
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Aged 25 and felt like I’d ticked all the boxes. I’d exceeded expectations at school and loved my university days – all I needed was a job that paid a half-decent wage and just landed it! I was nailing it, cruising through life. It was as simple as that.
However, once the initial excitement of new employment and a pay cheque or two wore off, I began to feel something wasn’t right. I was left confused. I had everything a mid-twenties gentleman could desire right? As the months passed, my feeling of uncertainty didn’t. On the rare occasion that I was alone (I didn’t like being alone) a dialogue in my head would begin. A voice in my head saying the same thing again and again:
“Something isn’t right here, you're not fulfilled”.
I chose to ignore the message. Survival habits carried over from university helped see to that – dance floors, a heavy social drinking habit, and a sport watching obsession. Distractions that were enough to block out that voice and keep it in shadow. Little did I know the gold that lay beneath.
Then. things externally suddenly shifted. In a matter of week's I broke up with my girlfriend, moved out of my parents, and received news my younger sister was to be facing life-threatening cancer.
‘My world was turned upside down’
I’d been confronted with the realities of life and the mortality of our human experience. I’d no longer take tomorrow for granted.
The unsettling nature of these developments led to my spending more time alone in self-reflection. It was here I started to pay more attention to the message my inner voice was trying to tell me. The truth was I wasn’t fulfilled in my life.
Confusion followed. In response, I was hungry for a personal investigation to understand what was happening to me. What the hell I was going – and why. Being an analyst by trade I decided to start collecting data for a very personal piece of work, my own self-diagnosis. I set up a folder on my laptop called the “life project”.
The internal exploration work would come in the form of Journaling. The qualitative data set I would then utilise to review, analyse and identify patterns. To add structure I began staging regular monthly reviews and in time yearly reviews. During these sessions, I’d list successes, note patterns (e.g. a damaging inability to say “no” to virtually every request), and areas I wished to improve.
I studied goal setting. Setting myself regular goals, underpinned by self-accountability to weekly and daily tasks. This process generated quantitive data which when coupled with the qualitative results from my journal gave me a rich picture of where I was at.
Working in this way, internally and externally,
‘a great deal of my unconscious was becoming conscious’
I began to unpack and rebuild my life. I was making changes for a new version of myself. Better connected and integrated with who I was at my core.
My “life project” identified a deep desire to travel. Which, with hard graft, became a goal come true as I backpacked solo around the world for a year. On return I landed a secondment working as a youth team leader, supporting 16 to 24-year-olds for The Prince’s Trust charity. The charity supports young adults to re-engage in either full-time employment or education. Completing this work uncovered a natural aptitude for coaching and motivating groups in a classroom environment. At this time in my life, I needed the support of other men and found it in the form of Menspeak men’s groups (www.mensgroups.co.uk). Both of these developments inspired me to continue coaching and create The MAP - Men’s Coaching Service.
Today I have my challenges, but I am fulfilled. I’ve found purpose in the form of coaching men and continue year by year to grow my practice.
For anyone who may be experiencing this time in life, my advice is simple:
‘Don’t drown the pain or ignore the questions’
Keep asking, keep testing, and maybe consider starting a “life project” of your own. For a long period, I chose to go it alone. However, in hindsight engagement with others (be that a coach, mentor, or a men’s group) at an earlier stage would have helped me make some of the required changes sooner.
My mid-twenties crisis was a challenging, confusing, and very lonely time in my life. I now consider it a great teacher, a gift in pointing me towards life my mission, vision, and purpose.
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