Being a Dad - The 9 months after the 9 months
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The 9 months after the 9 months began when I stepped through our front door gripping a portable car seat containing our 2 day-old son Jack.
Taking this step into our hallway was as if crossing a portal into a new universe. Everything felt different from before. Both exciting and unnerving at the same time.
I will call our first 2 months of parenthood ‘the lost months’. Time swallowed in a response vacuum of stress, wonder, anxiety, and joy. Jack arrived like an extra-large pizza thrown on a plate that was already full. Elements of our lives with nowhere to go simply crashed onto the floor.
The lack of a break between birth and beginning life in the ‘new parent’ trenches was incredibly challenging for me. Constantly responding to Jack’s needs there was no time to process what the hell just happened back there. It was only 8 or so weeks after the event that it hit me, my emotions began to break through, and alone I cried.
There were a few events of note in those early months. Our first trip out of the house with Jack to the park was an amazing experience. I remember how protective I suddenly felt of both him and my wife Jen. I was a daddy bodyguard clocking every person we walked past and every vehicle. When pushing the pram I was outrageously cautious. As if taking my first driving lesson again.
Returning back to work a few weeks after he’d arrived was less fun. Sitting down and feeling a wave of exhaustion wash over me before even touching the keyboard. It felt bizarre to return to a place where very little had changed from a place where everything had changed. It would take time to adjust.
Then there was our first mini-break at the wondrous Bailiffs Court hotel on the south coast. A high was taking Jack into a pool (or jacuzzi without the jets on) for the first time. Both me and Jen like to swim, so the process of squeezing him into his baby swimsuit and prepping for his first dip was great fun. Once in the water, his initial confusion was followed by joy and surprising confidence. He probably thought he was back inside the protective bliss of his mother’s womb.
He certainly wasn’t best pleased when coming out. A realisation that gravity existed once more and he could no longer simply float over to where he wanted to go.
First driving lesson
Jacuzzi swim sesh!
A low was my first time out for a walk with a baby carrier sling. Jen had gone off to the gym and set me up. However, it hadn’t been tightened properly and fell loose about 200m outside of the hotel. It felt like he could slip straight out at any point so cradling him in what now resembled a crumpled sheet, I stumbled across slippery grass, up a stony path, and crashed through the side entrance of the building! Leaning against the wall panting and a sweaty mess I glanced down to check in on Jack. There he was, fast asleep and blissfully unaware of the precarious situation he’d just been through.
With the day-to-day grind, we’d massively underestimated what a commitment breastfeeding would be. Something in our favor was the support of a quality lactation consultant early on (credit to Maria Yasnova - https://breastfeeding.pro/). This assisted greatly at the beginning. However once underway the relentless physical demand on Jen to keep the milk buffet open 24/7 led to both direct and in-direct frustration from both sides.
I was supporting a great deal indirectly. Fetching things (lots of things), cleaning, tidying, sorting, picking stuff up. My care not always as visible as Jen’s. I found not being able to be as hands-on with Jack difficult. There were evenings after not seeing him all day when his first act when I picked him was to cry, demanding to go back to his mum (food source).
A breakthrough moment was when Jen was able to utilise a breast pump and me then able to give him a bottle before bed. That first feed was a very special bonding moment. That until he fell asleep on me straight after and I was stuck unable to move for 2 hours. I’d quickly learn to hit the gents and have the NFL network on the T.V before sitting down for feeding duty.
Another breakthrough was getting proper training from a sling library (credit to the South East London Slingers - https://southeastlondonslingers.co.uk/) and being able to competently wrap Jack in my own sling. This magical cloth would transform him from a screaming nightmare to a sleeping angel. All I need do was wrap him up, put a thick jacket on and head out the door. Hitting the evening air he would immediately silence and be snoring away.
All this was very tough at first. However, I did grow into my role as Jen and Jack’s aide-de-camp. Talking and sharing with other new dads helped. I was now seeing and understanding my value in our 3-way dance.
Three months in and in some ways it was getting easier, in other ways we were entering our toughest period. Jack was not a good sleeper. Jen`s long dark nights of cluster feeding and torturous broken sleep had her dreading going to bed. My suggestion of an early night to restore her elicited the same response as would a dentist offering root canal treatment without any pain medication.
I could escape to the office, but was under pressure there too!
I would wake up and immediately relieve Jen of Jack so she could catch up on sleep. Head into the work and onto the grind. Then straight home to take over so Jen could have a little time to herself before bed. Thankfully I did still manage to carve some time for myself. I’d often cycle into the office, meditating and reading on the bus coming back the other way. I began a practice of heading out for a walk late evening.
Then there was how Jack as a 3rd dance partner affected our marriage. Sunday before Jack was always our day. A morning ritual of waking up late, tea, biscuits, reading in bed, cuddle’s B-) and some brunch. All of that accept the tea and biscuits disappeared. At any given moment one of us was on the frontline caring for Jack…the other at rear guard tidying, doing the washing, cooking… We were with each other more than ever before, although rarely ever focused on one another or connected.
Spring came, the days were longer and brighter. We’d booked a holiday abroad in Lanzarote. The travel days were particularly testing. Whether that be packing, navigating the airport, or fitting the piece of crap car seat they’d given us for our rental car. On arrival, for example, we had our luggage but our pram appeared to have vanished in transition. An exhausted Jen marched up to the airport attendee to demand where the hell it had gone. Only to be directed to the complete opposite end of the airport where a small pool of prams had been brought through separately.
How our holiday agenda had changed. We were one of the first at dinner, heading back to the room at 7:30pm for bedtime routine and lights out at 8pm latest. Gone were the days of the 10pm sit-down before moving onto the late-night bar. Now the most extreme it got was a cheeky gin and tonic in the dark whilst reading our kindles. During the day sunbathing time was limited to half-hour max before a Jack handover or nappy change. Getting ready for the day in the morning could take anything up to 2 hours.
Saying that Jack took well to the warmer weather and we did enjoy our week in the sun.
Carry on baby
Holiday giggles :-)
I appreciated time with him and a break from work butI wouldn’t exactly have called the experience relaxing. Our 3rd dance partner had changed us from a romantic holidaying couple to knackered parents.
May arrived and our lives became more settled. Jack took well to weaning and meal times (although messy) were great for bonding. Breakfast was a favorite of mine and it felt good to share and enjoy something together. Jack began to sleep for longer periods at night and this gave us our evenings back. This had a hugely positive impact on home life. We could relax and reconnect. I returned to my men’s group, martial arts training, and the pressure at work became more manageable. There were still moments of stress and broken night’s sleep but these were now less regular.
Then a significant moment. One rainy Tuesday morning after a nappy change I couldn’t remember if i’d completed the task and had to check. I did a double-take. I was an unconsciously competent nappy changer :-) That new universe I spoke of on that very first day was now my normal!
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