I must make time

I understand that sleep is important. I want 8 hours sleep with some down time before, which means I am in bed reading 15 minutes before falling asleep. I must make time here.

I understand exercise is important. I want to train for 1 hour, 5 days per week so with getting ready and a shower afterwards that’s 90 minutes per session. I must make time here.

I understand the importance of good nutrition. I want to cook the majority of my meals with fresh ingredients from scratch. I must make time here.

I understand that personal time and time to myself is important. 1 hour a day is preferable to invest in reading, watching ‘my program’ or a creative endeavour. I must make time here.

I understand that being a parent is important and part of that is being present with my son. I want to be hands on and directly shape him as an individual. I must make time here. 

I understand that hard work in terms of my career when combined with opportunity equates to success. I want to working 8 hours a day minimal (9 with travel), 5 days a week with the odd weekend day when the pressure is on. I must make time here.

I understand that rest is important. Sometimes a nap and sometimes down time after lunch is a human and biological requirement for optimal performance. 30 minutes a day. I must make time here.

I understand that a marriage needs time and investment to stay healthy and nourished. Decent chunks of unspoiled time with my partner 3 times a week. I must make time here.

I understand that family is important, I want to spend quality time with my aging parents, sister, in-laws, niece and nephew at weekends. I must make time here.

I understand that friends are important. I want quality time with my friends sometimes engaging in some form of activity and sometimes just hanging out. I must make time here.

I understand that having a clean and organised home is important. To keep the washing turned around and the place tidy. I must make time here.

I understand that community is important. Volunteering involves part of that including being involved with a local sports team and my son`s school. I must make time here.

I understand that education is important. I want to ensure I’m feeding my mind and growing as a professional. I want to be well informed on the current political picture and what’s going on. I must make time here.

I understand that spirituality is important. To connect with nature and spend time alone in reflection on what it is to be a human being on this earth. I want to regularly meditate, see my coach, and attend my mens group. To be. I must make time here.

I understand that exploring and having new experiences is important. To travel the and see the world and explore different cultures and ways of life. I must make time here.

…I must make time.

…I must make time

…I must make time

---

The modern life myth I held for many years is that all of this (and more) was possible at once. 

The reality. I can’t ‘make time’. I have what I have. 

I’ve tried. I’ve had a go at having it all, all at once on numerous occasions and I burnt out. 

Failed miserably. 

The maths simply doesn’t add up

I’ve learnt it is far healthier for me to operate with intent in a number of life areas during a particular season and let the others fall away or reduce. 

To maintain boundaries and deploy a ‘no’ or ‘not for now’ where required. 

To leave my propensity to over please and hyper-achieve at the door.

I’ve learnt that everything has it’s seasons and that seasons change. 

I desire a life where I have all my wants listed above. But understand I can’t have all at the same time. 

Being an allrounder. Practicing allroundership and playing long game suits me just fine. 

I mustn’t make time…

I choose to be intentional with the time I have available.

---

If you’d like to get in touch with me regarding this blog article or want to find out more about my coaching and mental fitness training services contact me directly via the button below:

Unpacking Mental Fitness

The majority of us understand the concept of becoming physically fitter and invest in the process in different ways. Gym memberships, equipment, and nutritional supplements. People spend a great deal of time and money on services and products that support this area of their life.

Reports suggest the market size, measured by revenue, of the gyms and fitness Centres industry, was £1.75 billion in 2022. It’s forecast to keep growing further in 2023.

The correlation between physical fitness and physical health is also well understood. When physically fitter our propensity for suffering from injury decreases while physical performance levels increase.

However, when it comes to the concept of mental fitness and its correlation with mental health you may be less clear. The aim of this article is to provide clarity, as well as introduce a potential training approach.

I’ll begin by offering the following definition:

Mental fitness - The level of mental preparedness one has at any given point to navigate challenges and perform at an optimal level. To think and feel clearly. To make decisions efficiently and effectively.

Key points:

1. Part of being mentally fit is preparedness - There is a proactive component. We can train.

2. At any given point, our mental fitness and level of response will fluctuate - Like physical fitness, mental fitness isn’t a one-and-done deal. It is a practice. It requires consistency. An ongoing effort to maintain.

3. The way we navigate challenges and respond is directly influenced by our level of mental fitness - This may be about keeping our head above water through adversity. This may be about thriving and seizing the opportunity.

Four key areas impact our level of mental fitness in different ways:

Fundamentals - Our sleep, diet, physical exercise, and rest levels.

Environment - The setting in which we are living or operating. Are we being given appropriate tools to do our job? How supportive is our physical home or workspace setup concerning our needs and objectives?

Culture - The ‘way of life’ embodied within the system we are living or operating in. That system could be an organisation, family, or even a whole country. Ideals such as values, behaviours, and laws are all present here.

Mindset - The established set of attitudes we hold. These attitudes are informed by a wide range of nature and nurture-related factors.

Three supporting observations:

1. Each of these areas will impact us in terms of mental fitness levels however to what degree will be on an individual-by-individual basis. Some of us require more sleep than others. However, we all require a certain amount of sleep in order to fully mentally function. 

2. The degree and way these areas impact our mental fitness will shift over time depending on age and resilience levels. 

3. These areas are interlinked and in relationship with one another. 

When considering a mental fitness training approach, it is the area of mindset where I would like to focus.

---

‘We can try to be more mentally fit or we can train to be mentally fit…the choice is up to us.’ 

---

A mindset fitness training approach that has gained great traction in recent years is Positive Intelligence (PQ). Positive Intelligence is the science and practice of developing mastery over our mindset with respect to attitude. With a particular focus on how much of a negative or positive viewpoint we’re seeing things, and in turn, making decisions from.

The approach encourages us to claim better control over the steering wheel that is our mind. With improved self-command, we become able to respond to life’s challenges with a more positive rather than negative mindset.

Intentionally making this pivot has been scientifically proven to:

• Improve work performance and response in key moments. 

• Improve relationships and levels of calmness.

• Reduce the propensity for toxic stress.

In essence, we become more mentally fit.

The positive intelligence training programme is a mindset fitness mindset boot camp. The programme gives us insights, motivation, and structure to practice and develop our PQ muscles for 15 minutes every day and it combines weekly video sessions with daily app-guided practices to boost your three core mental fitness muscles.

Further details concerning the programme found here: Mental Fitness - Positive Intelligence 8-week Program

So here we are. A definition for mental fitness, reflection points, key areas, and a training approach to consider.

---

*Original article published on the Life Coach Directory, 16/01/2023 (Source - https://www.lifecoach-directory.org.uk/memberarticles/unpacking-mental-fitness)

---

If you’d like to get in touch with me regarding this blog article or want to find out more about my coaching and mental fitness training services contact me directly via the button below:

Ripples from my Lockdown Breakup

Aside from the direct at times fatal impact, COVID had in terms of health. Many also found the effect the Lockdown had on their lives hugely challenging. I was no different. Throughout I pined deeply for our day of release. A mass celebration and swift return back to life as was.

That day of jubilation never quite came. Instead, like an early morning fog lockdown dissipated and slowly faded away.

Stadiums re-opening. Family gatherings and party’s back on the calendar. I expected the levels of fulfilment in my life to increase in line with the ending of our 2-year social prison sentence. Instead, I’ll admit I’ve been somewhat unsettled. I felt at first I might be alone in feeling this way but a number of coaching clients and friends report feeling similar. 

6 months later things have improved but still, a lingering sentiment of angst has remained. 

Why was I feeling this way? I certainly didn’t wish for Lockdown to come back online and any threat of it doing so (new variants/monkeypox) sends a shiver down my spine. What was this angst and feeling of discomfort about?

To explore I’m going to zoom out somewhat and review the timeline.

I had a solid and comforting partnership with my pre-lockdown lifestyle, like a long-term relationship. In March 2020 we were unexpectedly forced to break up. I was thrown immediately together with a new very different lifestyle - lockdown. Lockdown proved to be abusive in nature and encouraged conflict. They would threaten to break up and then come rushing back with new terms of engagement. They hated Christmas, and I bloody love Christmas! 

Finally, after a turbulent two years of this forced partnership, we broke up. 

I immediately psychologically re-coupled with my old lifestyle pre-lockdown. Ready to rekindle our romance! However, when we got back together the spark wasn’t there anymore. It simply didn’t work.

I hopped straight into bed with a mysterious new lifestyle – post-lockdown.

Post-lockdown proved a somewhat different breed of cat. A hybrid of my previous two lifestyles. This lifestyle wanted to work back at the office…but not all of the time. They required a few zoom meetings thrown in with in-person catch-ups. They were more confident than in lockdown but more anxious compared to pre-lockdown.

I am generally happier with post-lockdown living. This hasn’t prevented me from harbouring mixed emotions concerning my lockdown breakup. Digging deeper, here are 3 elements I miss from my old lifestyle since our split:

1. Lockdown made making choices easier. - Lockdown loved to limit choice. Wiping a whole variety of offerings from my social and working life menu. I’d think less about if I was going into the office or not. Whether to get a takeaway or head out to a restaurant? Lockdown made that choice leaving me free to enjoy the limited options open to me. By reducing possibilities Lockdown made choices in many ways easier. Outside of lockdown, it might be considered that:

   Learning to choose is hard. Learning to choose well is harder. And learning to choose well in a world of unlimited possibilities is harder still, perhaps too hard.”

   Barry Schwartz (Author - ‘Paradox of Choice - Why More Is Less ) 

2. New connections and ways to connect - With face-to-face contact so limited Lockdown forced me to explore new ways to stay connected. The men’s group organisation I am part of ‘Menspeak; began daily online check-in groups I became a regular part of. I discovered the wonder of voice notes and began regular communication with an old school friend who now lives in New Zealand

3. Lockdown encouraged reflection - Lockdown limitations for me created space to reflect more deeply. I’d spend more time considering business practices and developments in my personal relationships. More clarity on what I wanted to create in these areas. I took longer walks than usual and began an evening practice of back garden reflection. These spaces created certain inner tranquility. A level of awareness that hadn’t always been present before lockdown.

It has been said that it takes half the time you were with an ex to get over them. This means in theory it’s going to take me a year to get over lockdown. I’m over the worst in honesty but not quite there yet. This with respect to the elements shared above rather than the whole process.

I and my post-lockdown lifestyle look like we’re going to be staying together for the foreseeable future.

I’ve been re-organising. Setting new boundaries.

Integrating serving habits from lockdown whilst letting go of others brought back online from pre-lockdown that no longer work. 

Along with realignment, I’ve begun setting goals for the medium to long term for the first time in years. However, I have a different relationship with them than I did pre-lockdown. The lockdown is a reminder that my world can de-stabilise at any point.

More so than ever I prioritise today. The here and now.

Time is a great healer so they say. A few more months and with respect to the ripples from Lockdown.

I’m confident I’ll be clear…

---

If you’d like to get in touch with me regarding this blog article or want to find out more about my coaching services. You can contact me directly via the button below:

The tortoise and the hare…what if there was a third entrant in the race?

The story of the tortoise and the hare has stood the test of time. The tale can be traced back to the Greek storyteller Aesop (620-564 BCE) who wrote this piece as part of a collection of short stories we know as ‘Aesops fables’.

In the famous tale the speedy hare races against the slow-moving tortoise. In the early stages of the race, the hare leaves the tortoise in his wake, taking a significant lead. However, at the midway stage, his over-confident nature leads him to believe he can take a nap and still easily win.

On awaking, hare realises he’s forgotten to set an alarm, overslept, and been overtaken by his shelled competitor. Unable to recover he is left embarrassed and ashamed as the tortoise crosses the finish line to claim victory.

The moral lesson of the story…

We can be more successful by doing things slowly and steadily than by acting quickly and carelessly.

At times earlier in my own life I’ve been guilty of coming out of the gate too fast with new projects. With excitement follows over-confidence, leading to lacklustre execution and a disappointing outcome.

However is the moral of this Aesop fable the golden ticket?

To simply take our time and plod our way slowly and laboriously to glory?

What if there was another way?

What if a hippo had been in town, entered the race, and appeared at the starting grid?

Yes, the hare would still take an early lead, but hippo (capable of speeds of 30/40km/h) would still have had him in his sights.

Hippo would then stop to observe the hare taking his nap from a distance. Once he was in a deep sleep he would then quietly slip past and motor on to claim race victory by a country mile. Tortoise would then trundle in for second place, with hare facing even greater embarrassment, stumbling over the line in third.

And…what about unpredictable events that could show up in the race?

What if a grizzly bear wanders onto the track and decides it’s dinner time?!

The tortoise may be able to disappear into his shell, but he has to reappear at some point, and when he eventually does he's a goner. Hare might be able to stay out of range for a round or two, but eventually, he’d be cornered and easily overwhelmed. Then hippo, who just so happens to be the most dangerous mammal in Africa. With a 6cm thick skin, a bite force 300% of that of a lion, and weighing 3 times more. Bear could give it his best shot but frankly doesn’t stand a chance.

What if a bridge over one of the rivers that were part of the racecourse was out of order?!

The hare would be stuck, losing precious time trying to secure some other means of crossing. Tortoise would plop into the water and slowly paddle over to the other side. But what about Hippo? Able to hold his breath for up to 5 minutes and swim speeds of up to 8 km/h he would be in and across in no time. The hippo can even nap underwater if he likes, using a biological reflex that allows him to bob up, take a breath, and sink back down without waking up.

What if there was a forest fire the day before the race with all the grass, leaves, and trees destroyed?!

No energy-boosting snacks on route for tortoise or hare. But hippo? Although typically herbivore hippos have been known to turn carnivore and eat other animals when required. In the case of a forest fire, the hippo simply turns carnivore, goes hunting, and secures himself the benefits of an energising protein-rich, mid-race snack.

The hippo not only wins but win’s regardless of unforeseen race obstacles.

The moral of this revised story…

We can be most successful by maintaining a steady pace, pausing when required, and being versatile.

When beginning a new project it can help to get going at a steady pace. By moving forward in this way we generate useful feedback quicker and can ‘improve on the move’.

Where possible it is important to pause and break at points to review progress. Keeping an eye on, and learning from the competition when we do so.

It is key to utilise various talents to overcome the inevitable challenges that come our way. To be adaptable and innovative.

In summary.

When it comes to new or current goals, work some ‘hippo-ness’ into your approach,

Our propensity for success and a shortening of the time it takes to get there increases significantly when we do :-)

---

If you’d like to get in touch with me regarding this blog article or want to find out more about my coaching services. You can contact me directly via the button below:

Being a Dad - The 9 months after the 9 months

The 9 months after the 9 months began when I stepped through our front door gripping a portable car seat containing our 2 day-old son Jack.

Taking this step into our hallway was as if crossing a portal into a new universe. Everything felt different from before. Both exciting and unnerving at the same time.

I will call our first 2 months of parenthood ‘the lost months’. Time swallowed in a response vacuum of stress, wonder, anxiety, and joy. Jack arrived like an extra-large pizza thrown on a plate that was already full. Elements of our lives with nowhere to go simply crashed onto the floor. 

The lack of a break between birth and beginning life in the ‘new parent’ trenches was incredibly challenging for me. Constantly responding to Jack’s needs there was no time to process what the hell just happened back there. It was only 8 or so weeks after the event that it hit me, my emotions began to break through, and alone I cried.

There were a few events of note in those early months. Our first trip out of the house with Jack to the park was an amazing experience. I remember how protective I suddenly felt of both him and my wife Jen. I was a daddy bodyguard clocking every person we walked past and every vehicle. When pushing the pram I was outrageously cautious. As if taking my first driving lesson again.

Returning back to work a few weeks after he’d arrived was less fun. Sitting down and feeling a wave of exhaustion wash over me before even touching the keyboard. It felt bizarre to return to a place where very little had changed from a place where everything had changed. It would take time to adjust.

Then there was our first mini-break at the wondrous Bailiffs Court hotel on the south coast. A high was taking Jack into a pool (or jacuzzi without the jets on) for the first time. Both me and Jen like to swim, so the process of squeezing him into his baby swimsuit and prepping for his first dip was great fun. Once in the water, his initial confusion was followed by joy and surprising confidence. He probably thought he was back inside the protective bliss of his mother’s womb. 

He certainly wasn’t best pleased when coming out. A realisation that gravity existed once more and he could no longer simply float over to where he wanted to go.

First driving lesson

Jacuzzi swim sesh!

A low was my first time out for a walk with a baby carrier sling. Jen had gone off to the gym and set me up. However, it hadn’t been tightened properly and fell loose about 200m outside of the hotel. It felt like he could slip straight out at any point so cradling him in what now resembled a crumpled sheet, I stumbled across slippery grass, up a stony path, and crashed through the side entrance of the building! Leaning against the wall panting and a sweaty mess I glanced down to check in on Jack. There he was, fast asleep and blissfully unaware of the precarious situation he’d just been through.

With the day-to-day grind, we’d massively underestimated what a commitment breastfeeding would be. Something in our favor was the support of a quality lactation consultant early on (credit to Maria Yasnova - https://breastfeeding.pro/). This assisted greatly at the beginning. However once underway the relentless physical demand on Jen to keep the milk buffet open 24/7 led to both direct and in-direct frustration from both sides. 

I was supporting a great deal indirectly. Fetching things (lots of things), cleaning, tidying, sorting, picking stuff up. My care not always as visible as Jen’s. I found not being able to be as hands-on with Jack difficult. There were evenings after not seeing him all day when his first act when I picked him was to cry, demanding to go back to his mum (food source).

A breakthrough moment was when Jen was able to utilise a breast pump and me then able to give him a bottle before bed. That first feed was a very special bonding moment. That until he fell asleep on me straight after and I was stuck unable to move for 2 hours. I’d quickly learn to hit the gents and have the NFL network on the T.V before sitting down for feeding duty. 

Another breakthrough was getting proper training from a sling library (credit to the South East London Slingers - https://southeastlondonslingers.co.uk/) and being able to competently wrap Jack in my own sling. This magical cloth would transform him from a screaming nightmare to a sleeping angel. All I need do was wrap him up, put a thick jacket on and head out the door. Hitting the evening air he would immediately silence and be snoring away.

All this was very tough at first. However, I did grow into my role as Jen and Jack’s aide-de-camp. Talking and sharing with other new dads helped. I was now seeing and understanding my value in our 3-way dance.

Three months in and in some ways it was getting easier, in other ways we were entering our toughest period. Jack was not a good sleeper. Jen`s long dark nights of cluster feeding and torturous broken sleep had her dreading going to bed. My suggestion of an early night to restore her elicited the same response as would a dentist offering root canal treatment without any pain medication.

I could escape to the office, but was under pressure there too!

I would wake up and immediately relieve Jen of Jack so she could catch up on sleep. Head into the work and onto the grind. Then straight home to take over so Jen could have a little time to herself before bed. Thankfully I did still manage to carve some time for myself. I’d often cycle into the office, meditating and reading on the bus coming back the other way. I began a practice of heading out for a walk late evening.

Then there was how Jack as a 3rd dance partner affected our marriage. Sunday before Jack was always our day. A morning ritual of waking up late, tea, biscuits, reading in bed, cuddle’s B-) and some brunch. All of that accept the tea and biscuits disappeared. At any given moment one of us was on the frontline caring for Jack…the other at rear guard tidying, doing the washing, cooking… We were with each other more than ever before, although rarely ever focused on one another or connected.

Spring came, the days were longer and brighter. We’d booked a holiday abroad in Lanzarote. The travel days were particularly testing. Whether that be packing, navigating the airport, or fitting the piece of crap car seat they’d given us for our rental car. On arrival, for example, we had our luggage but our pram appeared to have vanished in transition. An exhausted Jen marched up to the airport attendee to demand where the hell it had gone. Only to be directed to the complete opposite end of the airport where a small pool of prams had been brought through separately.

How our holiday agenda had changed. We were one of the first at dinner, heading back to the room at 7:30pm for bedtime routine and lights out at 8pm latest. Gone were the days of the 10pm sit-down before moving onto the late-night bar. Now the most extreme it got was a cheeky gin and tonic in the dark whilst reading our kindles. During the day sunbathing time was limited to half-hour max before a Jack handover or nappy change. Getting ready for the day in the morning could take anything up to 2 hours. 

Saying that Jack took well to the warmer weather and we did enjoy our week in the sun.

Carry on baby

Holiday giggles :-)

I appreciated time with him and a break from work butI wouldn’t exactly have called the experience relaxing. Our 3rd dance partner had changed us from a romantic holidaying couple to knackered parents.

May arrived and our lives became more settled. Jack took well to weaning and meal times (although messy) were great for bonding. Breakfast was a favorite of mine and it felt good to share and enjoy something together. Jack began to sleep for longer periods at night and this gave us our evenings back. This had a hugely positive impact on home life. We could relax and reconnect. I returned to my men’s group, martial arts training, and the pressure at work became more manageable. There were still moments of stress and broken night’s sleep but these were now less regular. 

Then a significant moment. One rainy Tuesday morning after a nappy change I couldn’t remember if i’d completed the task and had to check. I did a double-take. I was an unconsciously competent nappy changer :-) That new universe I spoke of on that very first day was now my normal!

---

If you’d like to get in touch with me regarding this blog article or want to find out more about my coaching services. You can contact me directly via the button below:

---